I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
