i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
