I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
