What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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