I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
