Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
