Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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