i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
