Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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