all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
