sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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