Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
