Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
