some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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