He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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