so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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