I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
