why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
