Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
