Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
