YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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