someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
