dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
