I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
did i walk over a car last night?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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