They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
