Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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