I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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