Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
