And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
