Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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