I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Never joke about your clitoris.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
