I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
