when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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