my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
