i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
