don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
