Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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