Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
