I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
sarcasm needs its own font
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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