Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
