I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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