i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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