I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
