the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
