maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
