You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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