why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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