dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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