I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
