I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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