STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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