He disabled his match.com account in front of me
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
