Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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