I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
